That Aha Moment (24)

I sit in my car and let out a sigh of relief and laugh. Quickly I cease the laughter when I realize I should have never been in this situation in the first place. This is the first time I seen everything that has happened over the last few months was my doing. I have to be better, I cannot lose Ari. I went crazy with her just being away a month so I don't want to find out how I would feel if I lost her for the rest of my life. 

Driving home I begin to feel overwhelmed. I've never thought about being married when I was younger, all the way up to college. Honestly, I did it because that's what you're supposed to do. This is the first time I've felt like I can actually do this, you know be with her for the rest of my life. Of course I get myself together as I pull up to the house.

It's not too late when I get home but it looks like Ari has already went to bed. The lights are all out, when I walk up to the bedroom I see the tv is off. I'm actually glad, I just want to admire her. 

After I get all ready for bed I just sit at the foot of the bed and just look at her. I'm just thankful. My mother used to tell me she would sit at the foot of our beds sometimes and just admire what God has given her. That is exactly what I am doing. At this very moment everything seems so surreal to me.

I'm not even supposed to be here right now. I was the guy who had all the women and got all the attention he wanted. There was a time when I thought I needed that. Now here I am, I have her. Someone who has been in my corner from day one. She's stuck by my side through everything. The fact that I almost have myself to someone else is now suddenly sickening. 

I feel a tear run down the side of my cheek. Usually your first reaction is to wipe the tear away but not a tear like this. This is the purest tear that I have ever had, the perfect balance between love and understanding. In this tear was no guilt which a lot of my tears have had before. 

I can't remember the last time I had prayed but now felt like a great time. I stand up and go right beside Ari on the side of the bed and drop down to my knees.

"God, I know it's been awhile since we spoke but I also know you'll hear me out. First off I'm sorry for taking so long to thank you for what you've done for me thus far. For the longest time I've just believed I deserved everything that I have and I don't. I especially did not deserve a woman like Ari. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for everything else you've done for me but this woman you gave me Lord, she is my finest treasure. I mean you said it yourself, he who finds a wife finds a good thing, or something like that. I'm a little rusty on the scriptures. Well I mean that's all, I just really wanted to thank you for her and tell you I will be the husband that I am meant to be. Oh and amen."

I stay at Ari's side to speak to her while she sleeps.

"Thank you baby for getting me over my fear of relationships. For showing me that one great woman is greater than all the women on earth. I know that I've messed up a lot recently but stick with me because I will make you happy for the rest of your life. I love you and thank you for keeping me."

I get up, kiss Ari and crawl into bed with the only woman I hope to ever share a bed with for the rest of my life. 

Crazed (23)

I still can't move as thought after thought runs through my mind. I honestly believed every word she said when she told me we hadn't done anything. Why would she lie, we could've had this conversation a long time ago. I just got out of the doghouse and this is something I could lose my marriage over. If I go back and tell Ari now she's going to think I was lying when I initially told her I didn't sleep with the woman. Any way I look at it I come out the loser. 

Then again, she did lose the baby and she said she's leaving. Ari never has to know. Shit, I wouldn't have known if I didn't visit this crazy woman in this hospital. Some things you have to take to the grave and this is one of those instances. 

I finally gather enough energy to raise up from my seat even though I must look just like a zombie the way I'm moving. 

"Well Viv I have to go now, best of luck on everything. You are a smart woman so I am sure everything will work out just fine. But I have to cut ties with you, right here, right now. This has gone way too far already. "I say with clamy hands and no emotion at all. 

She sits up and laughs. "You have to be kidding me. You got me pregnant and I lose your baby and all you have to say is good luck? Wow! Pathetic, you are pathetic!." She begins to scream. 

I walk out not responding. I probably deserve everything she's dishing out but I have to drop this. 

As I walk out I see a nurse walking my way, apparently annoyed. She must've heard the raucous. I want to stop her to ask but I can't. We pass one another. I turn back. 

"Excuse me, mam?" I say afraid that what I was just told is about to be verified. 

"Yes sir, do you need something?" It's clear to me that she's annoyed now.

"I'm sorry mam I don't want to bother you, never mind. I say beginning to walk away again. 

"No, I'm sorry it's fine. It's just been a rough night." She smiles and is welcoming now. 

"Look I just left this room right over here and had a talk with the young lady and I need to know something." I say quietly. 

"Oh, you must be him." She says with smirk and chuckle. 

"Him? Who's him? Me?" I'm confused. 

"Yeah, the daddy." She begins to laugh some more.

"Um did I miss something? What's funny?" I say kind of upset she would just laugh in my face like that.

"Oh you don't know?" She turns away from me and talks to a couple of nurses sitting around. "Ladies this is the daddy." She said making quotes with her fingers and laughing hyseterically.

"Mam please tell me what's funny." I'm fed up at this point. 

"Sir, between you and me, that bitch is crazy. She swears she had a miscarriage because of some stomach pains. That's only because the woman who beat her up kicked her in the damn stomach. We just have to keep her crazy ass until one of her looney family members picks her up. But they're flying out to get hers so unfortunately she'll be here for a couple of days." She says once again laughing and walking off for good.

Wow is all I can think. I feel a little lighter with every step I take as I make my way back on to the elevator. By the time I'm walking to my car I have a little pep to my step happy as shit she was lying and even happier that she is leaving. Now I can go home and continue on with life with nothing more to hide. 

Boom Goes the Dynamite (22)

I walk as if I'm going to the elevator only to turn around when I know Ari is gone to leave right back out to the door. It's horrible that I had to lie but she would have had a fit if she knew where I was going. So many questions would have came up: "Who is she?" "Why are you visiting her?" Where do you know her from"?. We all know how women can be and it would have just went on and on from there. It's just better to avoid that all together and just go check to see if Viv is alright.

I get in my car and begin to drive. I find myself afraid of what I may see at the hospital upon arrival. How bad is it? Did they tell her it was because of me? This entire thing is just getting worse and worse as layers are pulled up. 

I arrive at the hospital pretty fast and get all signed in so that I can go up and see her. I get on the elevator and there's nobody else on it so the silence is killing me. Some small talk beforehand would have eased my mind a bit. The elevator finally stops. I step off and immediately I am greeted by a nurse who directs me to the correct room.

I arrive at the door and see a body lying there still. Back towards me, seemingly looking outside of the window. I speak.

"Viv?" I say unsure of if it's even her or not.

The body still lie still as I walk closer.

"Viv, it's me, Lance." Still nothing. I walk closer to the motionless body expecting a random person just sleeping. Instead it is Viv and she is very much awake. She is just staring outside of the window crying silently. I sit down in the chair at the foot of the bed and just start talking.

"I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. It's so cowardly that someone would even do this to you. Just know that I'm here for you and that we miss you back at the office." I lean in and try to get her to look at me but I'm unsuccessful. 

"Bullshit Lance." She says breaking her silence.

"What? What's bullshit?" I say at a loss. 

"You're the only one to show any type of care. This is an unforgiving field obviously.  But I didn't expect anyone else to come so it's fine, it really is. You, I expected you to come. We shared a connection." She was bawling at this point. 

"Well yeah, we had a nice friendship around the office and beyond." I try to make her feel a little better. 

"Lance our connection was way more than that." She chuckled during her crying which I found strange but disregarded. 

"Uhhhh I don't really know what you're talking about but I hope you get well real soon so that you make it back to work." I get up out the seat I was in attempting to leave. 

"Oh Lance it was much more than that." She said finally looking away from the window and directly at me. 

"What are you talking about Viv?" I am very interested in what she has to say now. 

"Do you honestly think you just crawled in my bed and didn't touch me. I know you're a man but damn you can't be that naive." She rolled her eyes and laughed a bit more.

"You're lying and I don't understand why." I'm upset and thrown off balance a bit. 

"You think I'm lying? Ok, go head out there and ask the nurse about this miscarriage that I just had." Suddenly the laughter stops.

"Miscarriage of what?" I barely make that sentence out.

"Goddamn Lance do I have to spell it out? You were drunk and crawled into my bed and we fucked. I mean fucked and you gave me alllllll of you. With me being lonely here, I received it when I shouldn't have. Then I learned I was pregnant and was hurt but overwhelmed at the same time because I don't have anyone in the city. The glimmer of hope I just had is gone now too so I'm leaving like we talked about before. I cannot take it here anymore I have to leave. 

My heart is in my stomach. I cannot not make out one word to respond to what I just heard. She could be lying but at the same time I am terrified to ask the nurse. I sit back down to let everything sink in. I may sit there for an hour without moving a muscle, I'm numb.